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Monday, September 15th, 2003
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6:44 pm
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| Monday, November 4th, 2002
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12:15 am - here's to.. me.
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so...
i was determined to not update this. ever again. because that last entry.. that was the end of something. that was the end of this miserable, self-depreciating, unhappy person that i couldn't get rid of. but that's not fair.. because before i finish, for good, i want to announce that i have won.
i went to camp this summer. i changed. i learned that i am who i am and, as much as i can't believe it, people can love me for who i am. one hundred percent. no fronts. that's what it's all about. and the thing about falcon camp and the people there is not that life is easier there. it's just as hard. i cried just as many times. but there, i can deal with it. it's okay. because you have this faith, this idea and this reassurance that you're okay. you're just fine. that's why i had to go. i came home a different person.. i grew up, a lot. i am more self-confidant, more appreciative, more determined than ever to do what i dream. and i will.
i met a really fantastic guy at camp. only problem is that he lives in england - but if this is meant to work out, it will. he really, honestly cares about me. for the person i really am, not who i pretend to be, sometimes. he is flying in on december 13th to stay with me. and we'll be at camp again next summer.
my horse is still my best friend, and he will always be number one on my list. he makes everything more acheiveable. on the back of a horse, there are no limits - and that's just the way it is. he's my biggest fan, and he probably doesn't even know it.
kris is still my sister, and that probably isn't going to change. we still live out of my car. she still listens to me complain and rant about everything. only i've learned how much i should appreciate her. and i do.
caitlin still makes me cry, but that's okay. because everything will be okay. and i want you to know, kt, that i still love you, so much. always. some things just don't change.
ryan and i are really good friends, now. there's nothing that could have worked out better between us. i waited two years for him to talk to me... and he's finally figured out how.
sara is gone, and she doesn't think of me much anymore. the chick is still where i work; i've two other jobs besides. no one who used to make me laugh still works at cfa except for kirsten. jeff no longer operates the store, david does. things change.
chelle and i are buds.. and that's cool. actually, we're more like.. the same person. but, you know, we aren't really, so.. we're buds.
i'm learning that people are.. people. and everyone's great. just find it. i'm learning that life is fine the way it is. and change is not always miserable. and people forget you sometimes, but it's okay. there're also people who remember you, and that's fantastic.
ashley, you are still my shining star. don't forget about me as you find yourself.. i love you so much.
i still flinch when i see 'RF' anywhere. but it's okay. that's a part of me, like the rest of my life.
i'm learning to love who i am. and i've never been this okay. this good. i'm really good, right now.
i've changed. thanks, journal, for trying to teach me something you couldn't. i forgive you.
goodnight. thanks for reading.. but this is it. i'm done.
and i've finally done something right. i've finally won.
L
current mood: complete.
current music: Garth Brooks - Standing Outside the Fire
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 13th, 2002
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1:32 am
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Lauren Ross
c/o Falcon Camp
Delta Rd SW
Carrollton, OH 44615
and.. i'm off, friday at noon, until july 20th. oh, and i won't have the internet anymore when i come back. nope. email me at soloation@hotmail.com if you ever want me to read it. long story.. can't go into it right now.
remembering all the times and things and .. sigh. and what this internet has meant, for so long. and i'm getting sad. stop it, lauren.
thank you to all of you who've taken the time out of your busy lives to save me, for a while. maybe it's time for me to learn how to save myself.. that's apparently what my mother thinks.
i love every one of you with all my heart, and i won't forget any of you. and who knows, maybe once in a while i'll be online. talk to heather, sarah, sara, or someone else who knows me to get my home address.. you're always welcome to write, i'll always write back.
be good. always.
L
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: VH - Lines Upon Your Face
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
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2:33 pm
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i never cry, and i literally have not stopped crying for three days.
i blew it. worse than i've ever ruined anything in my whole life, except maybe when i ruined caitlin, i've ruined this summer. demolished it. my own fucking fault.
damn.. i'm crying again.
current mood:  crushed
current music: Clem Snide - Accident
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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9:02 am
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one more fucking day.. thank god. i can't do this anymore..
no more school no more school no more school...
current mood:  relieved
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 6th, 2002
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12:49 pm
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I AM SO SICK OF THIS.
ryan, i'm going to write you this letter from camp, and it's this part of my journal that you didn't read today. but then, maybe you'll understand. and then, maybe you can tell me to get the fuck over you and stop wishing. and wishing. and wishing.
don't forget you promised to write me..
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 5th, 2002
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11:20 pm
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i'm so strangely flattered by this stranger who is so strangely attached to me. and i to him.
he promised he'd be here by my senior year. it's only a year, lauren.. only a year. i can wait. i can't wait..
but on the other hand.. rob and chris might be at the lake this wkend. rock it up..
study party for latin tomorrow night.. then sar's coming over to help me with math. grr.. and i really need help with math. friday i have chem lab practical and latin exam.. and then i have to go bathe solo, show on saturday.. up to the lake.. home on sunday in time for the green day concert.. fuck yeah. monday, chem written exam and alg 2 exam.. tuesday, art exam. and jeff is taking jake, sara and i out to dinner.. hell yeah. ; D i'm supposed to go out to dinner monday night with the horse girls, but i can't.. corporate's coming in tuesday so i have to close the store monday night. too bad. we'll go another night. closing mr brusco's room up on wednesday, then i close.. last night at work before i leave for camp!! ; ( but i'm putting my address up there as well as up here so everyone will write me.. ; ) i will miss work. way so much. thursday i'm going trail riding with mrs derolf, hopefully, and friday.. zoomzoom, byebye. wow. only a few more days..
sara.. i know i'm being terribly selfish and evil.. i just.. every time i'm around you, i can't help but remember.. that you're gonna be gone when i come back. i really, really.. i don't know.. i'm going to miss you way way way more than i can tell you. way. it's gonna be different, all over again. why does this always happen to me?
jeff said i'm gonna be running the store once sara's gone. running the store.. that sounds so.. foreboding. but damn.. rock on. i'm psyched.
i miss being okay.. i don't know what's wrong with me lately. maybe i'm stressing because i'm broke and i can't tell my parents why.. or maybe because of the whole if-you-don't-get-a-B-you-can't-go-to-camp thing.. oh yeah, did i mention that? 51% on a test that studied FOUR DAYS for. four days.. i never study. and i fuckin FAILED it. goddamnit. and i can't get enough hours for snake class. that's all i've been doing, day in, day out.. snake class data entering. and i'm not gonna make my hours. i don't know what kind of grade i'm gonna get in that class. and i might get a B-/C in algebra. which means my parents won't let me go to camp. damn them...
damn my whole life. argh.
i get to see ryan tomorrow..
current mood:  exhausted
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(comment on this)
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12:29 pm
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I see: kris
I need: real food
I find: that people eating doritos is annoying
I want: to go home
I have: a car
I wish: i could be happy
I love: my pony
I hate: my pony
I miss: sar
I fear: everything
I feel: tired, frustrated
I hear: kristen eating doritos
I crave: hm. strawberries.
I search: the otterbein webpage
I wonder: if things will ever work out
I regret: too many things
When was the last time you ...
Smiled?: hm.. 4.5 seconds ago?
Laughed?: hm.. 6.5 seconds ago?
Cried?: 2 nights ago
Bought something?: yesterday... salad from wendy's
Danced?: i don't really ever dance
Were sarcastic?: 2 seconds ago
Kissed someone?: long time
Talked to an ex?: uhm.. a few weeks ago i talked to matt.. oh, i talked to andy in latin today..
Watched your favorite movie?: 4 days ago ; D
Had a nightmare?: i don't have nightmares
A Last time for everything.......
Last book you read: Conversations With God, Neale Donald Walsch
Last movie you saw: Spirit!
Last song you heard: Break Me - Jewel
Last thing you had to drink: a sip of megan's diet pepsi
Last time you showered: yesterday morning.. eww!
Last thing you ate: pretzels and frosting.. fuck yeah
Do You...
Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: never.
Have sex?: nope
Sleep with stuffed animals?: only my pi
Live in the moment?: sometimes.. when the moment's right
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: not really.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Not at the moment.
Play an instrument?: piano, oboe, sort of guitar and trombone
Believe there is life on other planets?: nuh..
Remember your first love?: sigh. depends in which way you mean that. ...of course i do.
Still love him/her?: depends on which one you're talking about. no, and yes.
Read the newspaper?: if it's sitting out on the counter
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yup
Believe in miracles?: less and less every day (ouch, heath, that's discouraging..)
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: most definitely
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: 98%
Consider love a mistake?: sigh.. yeah, probably... but that doesn't make it a bad thing.
Like the taste of alcohol?: NO. except for zima and maybe vodka
Have a favorite candy?: anything? haha. reese's cups, milky way, 3 musketeers, skittles, starburt (camp candy!)
Believe in astrology?: sort of
Believe in magic?: no
Believe in God?: sometimes.. usually not
Pray?: no.
Go to church?: No
Have any secrets?: plenty.
Have any pets: one slighty used 1/2 appy grade gelding, age 9.
Do well in school?: course. except for lately.
Go to or plan to go to college?: yeah.. OC 4 yrs, OSU 4 yrs
Have a major?: will... equine pre-vet and then veterinary medicene
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: sometimes.. usually they piss me off.. but i got so lucky with chris that i try to, now
Wear hats?: hardly ever.. helmet ; )
Have any piercings?: ears
Have any tattoos?: would like one
Hate yourself?: most definitely.
Have an obsession?: sure.. ry (haha.. joking.) (sort of.)
Collect anything?: breyers... but considering selling those. cards.. like birthday, christmas. letters. photographs.
Have a best friend?: sara.... and krissy
Wish on stars?: all the time.
Like your handwriting?: usually not, but sometimes it's almost acceptable
Have any bad habits?: when i'm nervous or upset or tense or happy or hyper or bored i am fidgety
Care about looks?: absolutely not at all.
Believe in witches?: no
Believe in Satan?: no
Believe in ghosts?: yeah
the end. first time doing one of those in while.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
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10:43 pm
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(Thursday, March 21st)
did you ever seek someone's attention without knowing why? you just want their attention? i think that's annoying, because it happens to me all the time. like with sarah. i get jealous cause she hangs out with todd all the time.. but what do i really care, in the long run? she's one more person who'll walk right by me one day. and i get enough attention from her. whatever. shut up, lauren.
why do i have to be right sometimes?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
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10:17 pm
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cait.. just tell me if you're done, okay? i don't remember when you stopped paying any attention to me.. but it's okay, if that makes you okay. i just need to know.. because this really hurts.
current mood: sad
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
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2:50 pm
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i just.. i can't figure out which way to go.
kt.. i had this anklet.. and i made it the summer after 8th grade, down at camp. i missed you so much that summer.. i know that i didn't really tell you that and i didn't really write you but that's because every time i did it made me cry. i make wishes on my anklets, and i wished for you on that one. not for you to be with me.. i just wished for you to be happy. i was lonely without you but more than that i was worried, not knowing how you were, so i made a wish on it. and it hasn't fallen off, and it hasn't fallen off, and it hasn't fallen off. it stuck. two years, kt. never went more than three days without talking to you. and here it's been almost two months since we've had a real conversation. a month and 23 days. and it's been 10 days since you last said a word to me. even a word. even a gesture. and all of a sudden, last night, that anklet fell off. and i can't help but wonder.. are you better off without me? and i know you'll deny it till the day you die.. but that was something i believed in, that anklet.. and it made me feel better to have it on, like you were near me. and it's gone, and so are you. so where does that leave me? i'm crying over you, and you know i never cry. but maybe, maybe i just need to let go. the end, lauren.. let go.
sara.. i'm sorry you're so unhappy. really, i am. i know you'd rather be at home.. but i don't want you to leave. i'm selfish.. but i really don't want you to leave.
ryan, i can't decide whether i should hate you. i mean, i do hate you, on that petty little self centered level. but it's so surface.. it's not real at all. in real.. in real, you are just so much that i don't understand it. and neither do you.. too bad.
i broke up with keith. it just.. i couldn't do that, anymore. you want to know the real reason why, all excuses pushed aside? because he made me wish he were ryan. for all the sweet things he did and how wonderfully he treated me, i only wanted him to be ryan. i wanted ryan to touch me and ryan to care and ryan to hold me and he wasn't ryan, and that wasn't fair.
i'm so out of it lately.. what's the deal?
i leave for camp on the 15th. i will leave the address up here when i go.. and it would make me so happy to get letters from you guys. care packages, of course, are the works.. but not necessary. ; ) sort of necessary. i would love you. haha.. just hearing from people would be great though, seriously. i get lonely, even with belle there.
solo and sara make me happy. i'm going to go see solo, then i'm going to go see sara.
adios..
current mood:  devious
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
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12:27 pm
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i wish.. i wish i could figure out how to get advice and responses and acknowledgement. it seems that even when i spill my soul, no one's there to listen.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 20th, 2002
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10:54 pm
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holy fucking hell why am i so pissed off. why am i so angry and why do i want to scream. why am i holding it all in. i need to hurt something i need to hurt something i need to hurt. i feel like i'm going fucking crazy sometimes like times like these. why don't i even understand myself. why am i yelling inside and i can't get any of these words out of my head and why won't these words get out of my head. why can't i chase them away with loud music and movies. why can't i get rid of them with food. why won't they go away. why can't i concentrate. i can't concentrate on what i'm typing i can't concentrate on what i'm thinking i can't concentrate on what i'm seeing. why am i so fucking sore inside. what is wrong with me.. why am i like this. why why why. why do i think that asking the same questions will give me different answers. why do i think that different answers will leave me content. why don't i know better by now? why do i never know better. why can't i stop saying WHY! i get started and i can't stop. i feel like i'm crawling out of my head. i feel like i feel like i feel like i've forgotten how to feel. what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK is wrong with me. what the fucking hell... why the fucking hell am i so unsure. why am i so afraid. is that it? am i really just so afraid that i can't move? i'm frozen? i can't see i can't think i can't move i can't be. i'm so fucking scared.. why am i so scared. there's no reason to be scared. people are watching out for me. i could call sara. what will i say? i'm freaking out and i don't know why? that would be better than nothing. but i know i won't. why not? because i don't work like that. i can't operate like this.. it's autopilot. not choice. i'm angry i'm angry i'm so fucking angry.. is that the problem? am i so mad at the whole goddamn world that i can't deal with anything? i'm mad at caitlin and i don't know why. i'm mad because i'm sick of everything that i have to go through to get to her. i'm sick of trying and trying and trying and not getting anything back. you give you give you give and you lose you lose you lose and where does it get you? no where. i'm mad at keith because he thinks he's saving me and he's not. he thinks that i need saved, and i don't. i do. i do need saved. i don't need keith to save me. i'm mad at ryan because once again he didn't show up and he didn't call. and i know i won't say anything. i'm mad at myself because i know i won't say anything. i'm angry i'm so fucking angry with myself because i know, i know i won't say what i'm thinking. why won't i just say what i think. doesn't it make so much more sense to just SPEAK when you're thinking? no, i have to think out what i want to speak. i hate that. and i can't stop fucking coughing. it hurts. i hurt. fucking hell, i hurt so bad. why? for no reason at all. tracing scars with my fingers and i want to cry. i hurt i hurt i hurt do you HEAR ME? i hurt i hurt i hurt. all i can think about is how nice it feels and that's not right. that's not right! i am not right.. what the fuck is wrong with me. what the fuck is wrong with me. what the fuck is wrong with me.
F U C K O F F !
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Switchfoot - Amy's Song
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 19th, 2002
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8:11 pm
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well.. putting that whole list on hold for the moment..
kris and i went on a trail ride today and she fell off her pony. so far all i know is that she has 54 stitches in her mouth and she's getting her shoulder x-rayed. ooowwww...
i feel terrible about this.. it was my idea for the trail ride, my idea to gallop, my idea to gallop some more, my idea to ride later in the afternoon, my idea to ride less in the arena... grr.
sorry, krissy..
current mood:  worried
current music: The New Pornographers - The Slow Descent into Alcoholism
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:04 am
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i've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to figure out the things i want to say. i can't really sort them out very well, because i've only slept 3 out of the last 48 hours. so here's a list of the things i need to write about when i'm a little more awake, so i don't forget:
what to do about cait
how much i miss sara when she's not around
how good keith is to me even though he doesn't really know me
how tired i am
camp this summer
how much i'm wanting someone like ryan (or just ryan)
why i'm crazy for wanting ryan
cfa's lesbian lover cult
josh and getting high and why it scares me
sara and garret (secrets are bad.)
i'm done, for now.. will elaborate later.
current mood:  sick
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 17th, 2002
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12:43 pm
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i don't understand how things change when i'm around you, ry. i don't even understand what it is that changes.. but something does.. and somehow it makes me better. it's like when i used to laugh at people who talked about how it feels when you're oblivious to everything outside of you.. because i didn't believe that was possible, to be completely oblivious. but maybe that's a little bit of what changes. or maybe, maybe nothing's just quite as important as you, when i'm around you.. everything else sort of fades. sigh. you make me better. you make me right.
thank you, ryan. i just wish you could see everything else.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 15th, 2002
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2:26 pm
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knowing that you probably aren't going to show is making me sore inside.
current mood:  disappointed
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
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12:31 pm
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i don't want to feel this way anymore.
i'm snappy and i'm pissed off and i'm sick of listening to you and you and you and you. but all the same.. please don't stop talking. don't leave me alone. please.
i'm so fucking scared sometimes.. scared of what it means for me to not be okay, scared of why i feel like this. scared of people. scared of life. scared of feeling anything.. after all, it's so much safer to feel nothing at all.
i feel like i'm losing people all the time. that scares me, too. caitlin has practically stopped talking to me, and kristen ditched me for her friends. i know i'm not that great to hang around, and i'm sorry.. but even i need people to pay attention to me now and then.
i hate being so bitchy, but it's better than not being anything. if i say i'm tired, people understand. if i say i'm in a bad mood, people are concerned. if i say i am so fucking unhappy that i don't want to face one more day like this, people turn the other way and think i'm crazy. so i'll lie.. yeah, i'm tired, yeah, i'm pissed off. unhappy? never. fuck.
i wish i could still cry. i really do. i wish i could still feel things the way i used to.. i wish i could still be moved by things that were beautiful and real and right. but nothing is beautiful and real and right anymore. i hate this. i hate it.
i miss you, sar. and i just saw you last night.. but you make me feel better and i need to feel better right now. really.
ryan.. why can't i wave a magic wand over you and make you understand? why can't i let go of everything you've told me and everything you do? why can't i give up? why can't i be angry with you and stop forgiving everything? why can't i be self-rightous? why can i lower myself because i'm always always always below you? why do i tell you i wasn't angry when i was.. i was angry because that's just more fuel to feed my mother's fire about how irresponsible you are and that's just more of me defending a lost cause that i probably don't believe in but i refuse to give up on. why can't you just understand me. why can't i just be understandable.
i'm always sorry.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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12:30 am
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| Sunday, May 12th, 2002
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10:16 pm
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i really fucking wish that i never got like this. i wish there weren't nights when i recounted everything that i've done wrong. i wish there weren't nights when nothing makes me okay. when i can't stop missing what i don't have.. who i don't have. when nothing's wrong, so to speak.. but nothing, nothing is right. when it's all i can do not to cry.
i don't want to cry.
i really wish that i didn't always feel so fucking alone. goddamnit. i am always so fucking alone.
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avoidtheanswer's journal